From Russia, with Love

Just to be fair, it's not always the men. No, sometimes it's the spam filters that don't know what the heck to do with these things. This one was forwarded to me after it got through a friend's spam filter.

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Subject: I search for the friend for acquaintance!!!

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!

My name Ekaterina. To me of 27 years. Growth 173 see Red, Eyes green, a figure harmonous. A higher education, perfectly I own and I speak in English, Studied it during all study. On To character - kind, sympathetic and quiet, for my work it is simple It is necessary. I work in the trainer in fitness the centre.

Not for the husband. Children while are not present. I live in very beautiful city - Cheboksary, Russia.

My hobbies - music, sports, housekeeping, walk on fresh air. Music-from classical, To modern, I am able to play a guitar, a little bit I sing. I love sport mine Morning before work begins with jog on fresh air. I like to prepare And to be engaged in house affairs. Still I like dogs. I live with my mum in one-room apartment.

Very much I love children and would like to get the child, but yet Has met that man to which could trust and pass on the vital Ways to a place and consequently I dream to get acquainted for serious relations with The kind, decent, cultural and clever man. The exit for the husband is possible. Where You wash the unique and tender reliable friend??!!

If you are interested Me that write me on my e-mail: ekaterina08sil@yahoo.com

If you answer me, I will tell in more details about myself and To send you the photo.

With the big impatience I look forward to hearing from you Ekaterina.

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Okay, with big impatience I-b-callin' my IT guy to come rescue my beleaguered spam filter that obviously took a dump after fielding this one. I have to give her credit for spelling though. It's much better than most profiles I read from the U.S., but I think the English ownership program is going a step too far.

I admit I do kinda like the idea of 'exit for the husband'. I think I did that in my divorce. Yes, in fact, I'm sure I did. Maybe she's just planning for the future, always a good move in relationship matters.

And in spite of engaging in house affairs she still likes dogs. I can relate to this. How long does it really take to house break one of these, anyway? !@#$%!

At least she appears humble. Most posters claim to walk on water. She simply claims to walk on air. I think we can all live with that.

Go Ekaterina!

NEXT!

My Favorite Personal Ads

These have been collected around the net. The cities and names have been changed to protect the stupid but the typos and well, other problems, are all intact. Be afraid.

Ambitious Hardworking Guy

This is my friend Jim. He just moved to Lexington and doesn't know anyone. He just graduated form (some unknown university far, far away) and is now working in marketing and sales at a big company there. He's ambitious and hard working, but has a great sense of humor and is a lot of fun. E-mail him and he can tell you more about himself. This is his picture. (which shows a 30-ish guy with some poor former gf or wife half cut out of the picture. Why. WHY do men do that?!)

Doesn't this ad make you wonder why someone who is ambitious and hardworking and in the MARKETING field at a big company isn't posting his own ad? THINK ABOUT IT! I'm like this close to emailing and asking!

NEXT!

old fashond contry bumkin i guess, fun loving and varry loyal,honest
to a falt varry direct frends say im a dyeing bread.I shure hope not.
looking for a woman who dosen't want to see me leave for work and
can't wait untill i get home.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Dyeing Bread?!

NEXT!

little about me
Professional male
(as opposed to the amateur male?)

This will probably blow it but I am not perfect. I know this is a shocking revelation but there are at least three aspects of my life where there is room for some improvement; my personality, my behavior and my looks. Other than that I am as close to perfection as you will find.

I am a bodybuilder, I train & diet to compete. My chosen passion helps me to stay healthy and focused in life. It grounds me and shapes me. I spend hours in the gym preparing for competitions.

Okay, the last paragraph tells me he has NO time for me at all, and as a FYI/PSA: Anyone with Golf or Golfer as their username doesn't have anytime for you, either...

NEXT!

what i'm looking for i wont know untill it hits me. Let it go, if it returns it was meant to be.

Anyone got a boomerang?

NEXT!!!

a little about me
Lost the love of my life. Yet why should i care if she does not?. what am i looking for? my sole mate.How hard is that to find? Thought i had the battle whooped.Only to find that i was alone and fending for myself. Is it wrong to remove all that reminds you of that person? Its my only way to get by. Im sick and tired and very lonely. i need a picker upper.I dont want a rebound girl.But yet what i wanted in life i could not have.

Umm - yeah. This guy sounds about as emotionally available as the soles of my shoes. Thorazine, anyone?

NEXT!

This is an actual email sent to me from one of my - umm - suitors:

Hi Little Gril,

This me again. If You would send Me a way to get some pictures to You I will send then to you. You have chught My eye for some reason, I really do not know the why, You just did . I do not chase Grils. They mostly chase Me. I really do not know why it just happends. But You are different. You seem real, You know the kind a guy could resepct, want to do things for, Do things for Each Other and ( don;t get afread here ) some one Who has a good Heart. I think You could be trusted with My Heart and someone You
could trust Your Heart to. I am looking for a long, long,up to getting, You know the ( M ) word. Just from readding Your ad thinking what You wote gave Me hope that a true Lady is still out there. Thank
You for giving giving Me that. I tkink You are a cool Gril and with a cool guy, We
might just hit it off and be Great and find each other in that wonderfull place
called ( Love ). Hope to talk to You soon. SeeeeeeeYaaaaaa

Okay, I have no words. Maybe you do. Let me know. I do think the word 'happends' is a product I need when I read things like this to keep my panties and chair dry, however.

NEXT!!!

OK LADIES FIRST EXCUSE THE TYPING IM NO TYPIST IM A PECKER!!! LOL first off i love to laugh i have a crazy sense of humor love making people laugh my motto in life IS LIVE LIKE YOUR DYING !!! I TRY TO LIVE BY THAT !! YEP! im a very romantic love doing the small things notes cards small gifts im a very touchie feelie guy love to always be touching the woman playing with her hair playing with her fingers holding hands love giving a woman a foot rub or a back rub brushing her hair these are just some of the things i love doing with that speacial woman dont get me wrong im still a manly man no house slave !!! lol i just love showing the woman im with she is very speacial with me ilove adventure and excitement love roller coasters i love snuggling on the couch while its raining and kissing love kissing or taking a walk in a shower love taking a walk while its snowing our foot prints the only pair love picnics my music i like is varied not much on rap crap lol!! i have a greattttttt imagination and love experimentation want my partner to like these things to LIKE GUMMIE BEARS!!! U will have to ask me i might tell u??? YEPPPPPP I LOVE JUST SPOONING u wanna know anything else just ask i love answering q s and love asking them ialways say if u dont ask u may never know!!!!!!!! yeppppppppp lol

I think he had me at: taking a walk in the shower...

For starters, never date a man whose first sentence includes ANYTHING about a pecker. We have to have some ground rules here and it seems to me someone should point him in the right direction for the period key. Oh and I really don't want to know ANYTHING else. I definitely think I got it - gummie bears and all.

NEXT!

Cute as a button male, wild and crazy, rugged, muscular yet petite, 5'3, 114 lbs., dark hair/eyes/thick mustache, shaved balls, seeks same qualities in hot females (ages 18-24). Extra good if you're a bartender and generous with the free drinks.

I guess I'd never describe a real guy as 'cute as a button and petite' since I've been described that way myself being a female, so I was a little confused til I got to the balls. Hmm. But then I was even more confused when he said he sought the same qualities in a hot female. Maybe he's never been with a woman (I'm guessing this to be true in spades from this ad), but most don't have balls. I guess that's why they say you learn something new everyday. I could go for those free drinks about now, however.

NEXT!!!

Hooking up with UPS

The Problem With Big Packages

Let's admit it, girls. UPS was a match made in heaven right from the start. You've got a man in a uniform bearing gifts at your doorstep. What more could a girl want?! Never mind you paid for those gifts; having a devilishly handsome UPS man handing them to you makes even the biggest Visa bill worth it. Order from Victoria's Secret and have him hand it to you and you can bridge the 'no boyfriend for 6 months' gap for at least another 2 years.

Unfortunately, you can't really transition to hooking up with the UPS man at your door holding your Victoria's Secret package all that easily. You've got him standing there with this big package holding your bras and panties and it's all you can think about while you sign his clipboard. There isn't much room for conversation because, frankly, you've lost your ability to form words. It's good to be blonde during these times - you can get away with just a half wanton smile. He's working and other than to show you where to sign, he can't really comment about the big package either, but the fantasy is nice.

However, I discovered that UPS men actually exist in the personal ads. There he was in all his brown uniformed glory - the UPS man. He was handsome, available and he had written to me! All I could think about were all those big packages. You know, the ones in his truck. What were you thinking?

I replied and we decided to just talk on the phone. The conversation flowed like a broken conveyor belt at the main facility.

Me: "Hi, thanks for calling. I see you're the UPS man! Way cool!"

UPS: "I just deliver packages."

Me: "Yes! Yes! I love UPS." (I'm thinking - I love packages and you're really hot!)

UPS: "You're really cute. What do you do?"

Me: "Thanks. I run a global non-profit, I write and I'm an artisan pastry chef. Call me eclectic."

UPS: "Ek - what? OH. You probably live on the East side of town."

Me: "Yes, I do."

UPS: "You probably have a nice house."

Me: "Yes, I do have a nice house. Condo, actually. Where are you from?"

UPS: "Not the East side."

Me: "Well, that's OK. What do you like to do for fun? Do you like to go dancing?"

UPS: "You probably order a lot of stuff from Victoria's Secret."

Me: "Umm - yeah - I order sometimes..."

UPS: "I deliver a lot of Victoria's Secret to the ladies on the East side."

Me: "Oh, well, you know, they're very popular..."

UPS: "There's this one girl, she orders every week. I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to deliver her package. She always answers the door wearing her bra and panties."

Me: "Uhh - well - umm - maybe she's getting ready for work. (okay, seriously: help)

UPS: "Yeah. So, what do you do for work, again?"

Me: "I do charity work with women. I help them through surgery. I also write and bake professionally"

UPS: "Well I just deliver packages."

Me: "Well, I think UPS is cool. It's a very good job. I would work there. So, tell me about you. You're a really handsome guy. What do you like to do? What kind of dates do you like to go on?" (I'm thinking - I get it about your work. I'm familiar with UPS. I'd like to get to know you more. I'm normally not like this but you're really hot so can we just move this along?)

UPS: "You know, I'm just the UPS guy. You're some celebrity charity pastry chef and it's just not going to work."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not a celebrity charity pastry chef. That's not even a job title. I'm just a regular girl. (incredulous)

UPS: "I just deliver packages. You buy sexy lingerie, do all these things and help all these people and you intimidate me. It's just not going to work.

*click*

He hung up?! I intimidated the UPS man?! My 5'2" self and my package of bras and panties and chocolate chip cookies intimidated the UPS man. How can this be?!

Some things are just too screwed up to understand.

Profile of the Month: When in Rome

Caesar has visited De-Nile.

Always up for an impossible challenge, my mission for 07 September 2008 A.D. is to find this man a woman.

All typos and spell check freak outs remain for your reading pleasure.

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Dante seeks his Beatrice, anon!

My favorite place on Earth is the 5eme Arrondissment, Rue de la Harpe, Paris, on a warm, balmy, September evening. Am also comfortable though, in the outdoors, or sleeping under the stars. Have been in the military reserve since I was 17. I can disassemble an assault rifle or translate Moliere. I also get great satisfaction in praying the Rosary. My ideal match would be a Blonde, Swiss, girl, who could double for Princess Grace, that stands about 5 feet seven inches, speaks, Italien, French and German, loves ancient history and the Classics, loves going to Mass, but is completely uninhibited in her intellectual pursuits. Tallyho!

For fun:

Am in a Roman History reenactment group. We have very accurate 1rst-2nd century infantry armor. Our group has appeared on the history channel. We hold demonstrations of Roman fighting tactics against like-minded Celtic groups. Our weapons are real.

Favorite hot spots:

Love to dwell in the classics section of Borders and lose myself as I imagine a warm summer day in the Roman Forum during the height of the Empire in 107 Anno Domine.

Favorite things:

My favorite thing is to cook some magnificent spaghetti on a Friday night and watch my Science Fiction shows on channel 71.

Last read:

"Lost Victories" by Eric Von Manstein.

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Now, you may find this very hard to believe, but at the ripe old age of 50 something, this man has never been married.

I. AM. SHOCKED.

Let's cut to the chase. If you know of any sophisticated multi-lingual, 5'7" Blonde Swiss 'Princess Grace' type girls who yearn to spend their Friday nights having magnificent spaghetti while watching channel 71 screen burn, enjoy men frequently dressed in sexy Gladiator costumes, and are a freak otherwise outside these parameters (Toga parties?), let me know.

Anything to get this profile off the Internet, out of my spell check hell and into a closet somewhere.

Honestly, I would have pegged him for a Cleopatra/Aphrodite type. What do I know, but Princess Grace??? OH PLEASE! I will land Prince Albert himself as my husband before this happens!

Note: I just read on Wikipedia that 'a female wearing a toga was marked out as a prostitute'. OH. My bad. How many of you knew that? I obviously don't watch as many frat house movies as I should.

The End of the Earth is Near

Now, you may be miles ahead of me in current events, no pun intended, so forgive me if this is old news, but are you aware the end of the Earth is now 500 miles from Albuquerque, New Mexico?

Yep, that's right. In the latest dating profiles I read from Albuquerque, New Mexico, one online suitor proclaimed, "I would travel to the ends of the earth for the right person."

I thought, great! He's open to the right girl from anywhere, and since I don't live anywhere near Albuquerque, New Mexico, this was good news for me.

Then I noticed his dating radius was set to 500 miles.

Panic and the bigger picture set in. I mean, I realize the Earth is facing some big challenges lately and major change is on the horizon, but have I missed a meeting? I know I haven't tuned into the news nearly as often as I should and my habit of reading dating profiles probably doesn't give me anywhere near the well rounded view of current events one would expect, but seriously, when did the end of the Earth get so near? I mean, being well outside the 500 mile radius, this would clearly indicate I no longer live on the planet. Do any of you think you might have possibly sent me an email and alerted me to this situation?

On the upside, my friend Laurie says that in just 500 short miles, our entire group of girlfriends can be in the same place at the same time. Wow - big party! That does make things a whole lot easier, now doesn't it? Why didn't someone think of this a long time ago? Think of all the money we'd save on gas and plane travel!

You know, one of you might want to break it to the Proclaimers that they only need to worry about the first 500 miles now. Not the 500 miles more. It's going to be a pain redoing that whole song.



Thanks Angel for the perfect video hook up!

World's Shortest Profiles

newly retired,,looking for a friend
i love women that like multiple men,,,i want to find a female like that

Multiple men? A female like what? Do I want to know?

Looking
Im just on here looking for a woman who wants to experience pleasure...Also, I am not a member, so figure things out and contact me where I can read it. But I would love to talk to someone soon!

No, YOU figure things out. Namely, find a dime and pay for a subscription like the rest of us.

Just Looking for now
I don't have the time to date. So I thought I would give this a try.

How perfect. Another man who doesn't have any time for me. That's HOT!

im new
im tall,skinny, and easy to get along with

Oh! Oh! I got it! You're a Cookies and Cream Popsicle.

Easy going love to have fun whom ever i am.

When you figure out 'whom ever you are', let me know.

Hello
Let's talk about it

Great. Here's my sentence. Your turn.

hi loooking for fun
i have long black hair and lots of tatoos

It sounds like you've already had way too much fun. Next!

friends with benefits
friends with benefits

I'm sensing a trend here...Haiku, maybe?

hansom man
i like sports and girls

Let me guess, you're unique.

Fill this in.
Need to fill this in

Let's not and say we did, alright?