Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Love Letters from the Romantically Insane

A study in what happens once you go from reading personals to joining personals with the hopes of meeting the man of your, um, dreams. My steadfast motto stands:

"Let's just proceed as if this is going really well..."

Exhibit 1: Keyboard Challenged


Okay! You asked for it. TURN THE CAP LOCK OFF YOU IDIOT!!!

Exhibit 2: Illiteracy Expounds!

I received this in email from a guy off Match.com where my profile requested men be of normal literacy.

Dear Date Girl,

Has Your experience been illiterate individuals? Not saying I can write an essay without grammatcial errors however not completely void of some intelligence. What is the definition of extraordinary? What sets you apart from other women? Why would someone choose you over another? Just curious, if you have special qualties or atributes please expound!

I have no words, but my special qualities and attributes include my extraordinary ability to use a red mark up pen and the DELETE KEY. Expound, indeed!

Exhibit 3: Sex. Sex. And oh - more Sex.

Dear Date Girl,
You will have my respect for doing what's right for you, even if it means you don't sleep with me. But I'm single, young, horny and I know I'm never going to settle down if I still want to sleep with every good-looking woman I see. The sooner I get that out of my system, the better. And I hear you. No one wants to sleep with a stranger. Actually, the way I see it, women and men all want the same things, just in a different order and different proportions. And I know I'm not getting what I want if you don't get what you want! ;-). So I'm sure we can 'work something out'! Yes, we can go dancing and talk about lots of things besides sex!

Umm - yes - we can talk about lots of things besides sex as was SO evident in your email to me where you reference sex in 7 of the 8 simple sentences you wrote. I GET IT BUT YOU'RE NOT.

Exhibit 4: Word Economy

The entirety of the email is this one line:

"I am feeling you."

OH Lord, I'm trying to visualize what kind of guy would say, "I'm feeling you" - all spelled out in a decidedly unhip fashion. My mind races through the possibilities - a computer geek trying to be cool? I DUNNO!

I scroll down to the pic... unbelievable.

The picture is of a 50-ish white banker type guy in a full blown suit and tie, balding, doughy face and wire rimmed glasses. I am feeling you? Most decidedly NOT! I could have lived with the computer geek. We could have worked with that!

Exhibit 5: The Cable Guy

I get this email from this guy who is 3 years above my dating range. He looks like Larry the Cable guy - not kidding. But hey, at least he has a picture.

He writes:

36-48? How about if i freeze myslef and you can thaw me out in 3 years?

Yeah, having you frozen and unavailable will certainly bring back memories of my ex and not in a good way. However, I tell him I can deal with it, but that I have a strict no-smoking policy in my profile, as well as no facial hair...

He writes back:

I'm going to quit smoking when this carton's gone, I swear! LOL

I responded:

Great! And after that, you'll shave that mustache/facial hair off, right? Can't wait! LOL!

OMG he wrote back:

Geez! Now the mustache too? I don't know if I can go that far!! LOL

I responded:

Dang it all anyway...

Well, I MIGHT be able to live with the mustache if the rest of the face was shaved. Can we lose the hat? What's your hair like?

Fortunately, he stopped writing. Thank you.

Exhibit 6: My Favorite: The Uni-Dater (collect the whole manifesto!)

Dear Date Girl,

Just let me say - there is no pressure from me about this. The world has enough pressure in it already without me adding any for you or for me.

I do want to avoid having a one night stand with anyone. I don't need that kind of emotional roller-coaster and I don't really think anyone else does either. In fact, I really think I would prefer to put off having anything really physical happening between me and a new friend for at least three months after we meet for the first time. Possibly longer, if our visits tend to be rather infrequent. I have a good reason for feeling this way about this, and I'll tell you why.

It's not that I don't like the physical, no, no, no... I LOVE the physical. But I do believe it can be such a distraction and such a strong draw sometimes, that it makes people overlook things that they really shouldn't. That's part of the reason. The other part of the reason is that I really love a person DEEPLY when I fall in love. It's a good thing, yes, but only if the relationship is a good match and there is a really high probability that it can last and be really good for both people over the long term. Okay, here the last thing... (there's more?! *help*)

The biggest reason for me to wait before jumping into the physical thing is that if the relationship fails, say after 7 or 8 months due to conflicts that arise and etc, etc... The pain of that breakup is so big and so disabling for me. I'll be quite honest with you, sweetheart, I just don't want to go there. And I really don't want to put you through that either. I know how it hurts. It's not nice and it's not worth even the sweetest time hurrying into that physical stuff, sweet as it is. I hope this doesn't put you off. But, if it does, it's better now than later, after there is more attachment.

Now that we have all that "stuff" out of the way, I just want to mention that I liked your reply letter - It was fun to read. You're a really open communicator and I can feel your energy level and sweetness by the way you write. I don't know if that sounds "hokey" or not, but you really come through well in the way you write. It's nice.

I would definitly like to continue this conversation. There is no hurry. It might even be good to just talk like this for a while. Maybe a cell phone call or two would be fun at some point (I have a nationwide plan).

Dude, thanks for the writing props. Unfortunately, as you'll all see in future installments from the Uni-dater (yes, there are more - a lot more) no amount of Nationwide calling is going to help this situation.

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