Thursday, September 4, 2008

Where's Waldo?

In online dating and even in the news, I find it increasingly exasperating when there is no accompanying photo. Has that little, 'worth a thousand words' ditty been completely lost?

It's even worse when you've got a headless horseman winking at you. I think this is one of my biggest pet peeves - men with no photos. Did you want me to wink back, and at what, your fonts? Is it completely lost on people that the idea of winking at someone involves some fashion of connection with the visual senses we call eyes? Is it really such a big stretch to realize that it's pointless to wink at someone who can't see you?

Beyond comprehension are those who wink but have no profile. Nope, it's hidden. You can't see a thing. You only see a fairly blank page that states kaw1600vulcan has winked at you. Wow, now that's HOT! *rolleyes*

Dude, let me just state for the record: You're a moron.

I sent him a friendly reminder:

Look, don't wink at someone and have your freakin' profile hidden. What the hell are we supposed to wink at, a blank page? God that's so annoying. Why even bother? I'm blocking you - don't contact me. Or anyone else for that matter.

Then you get the guys who do post a photo, but unfortunately, it's anyone's guess who you're dealing with as it depicts 4 guys. While I'm fairly open, I'm not sure I'm ready to take on 4 guys. Particularly the 2nd one on the right. Can I get the 2nd one from the left and the far one on the right and can I get a better view of the first one of the left?

OH. I only get ONE? Man, how unfair is that? What happened to truth in advertising? Great, I'll pick the one 2nd from the left then 'cause he's hot. OH THAT'S NOT YOU? Sorry. My bad. Wait, no, your bad. And let me guess, you're the 2nd one on the right. Stop posting stupid photos! I won't even get into the photos of things like chandeliers (and they're not even in the bedroom) and wide expanses of scenic fodder that mean nothing to me. Great, you went on vacation. Without me.

My all time favorite profile photos, however, are the typical 'football field shots'. By this, I mean the guy is so far away, he could be David Beckham for all I know. But, wait, he's married. It can't possibly be him. Damn it all anyway. Maybe it's Adam Levine. He's single, but then again, I'm not that lucky, which is not to say I'm without hope entirely.

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words and here is a classic "Where's Waldo" shot, which is another popular photo choice many men make. While this one renders me speechless, it fortunately affords me quite a few other choices, which I've taken the painstaking time to illustrate, since surely it's not the guy in the orange shorts picking his nose, right? Right???

In other news, literally, a Malaysian man somehow got a metal nut stuck on his, ummm, manhood, in an effort to lengthen his, umm, you know, before his wedding night. Sadly, it all went horribly wrong and he had to have it surgically removed. The nut, not the, umm, you know and no, not his nuts, the metal nut he threaded over his, umm, oh my.

I'd suspect the honeymoon is going to be even more disappointing to his bride than was originally expected, and I'm sure his new in laws were pleased as punch to learn their daughter is marrying a man who isn't too well endowed upstairs or down. Embarrassing all around.

AFP and Yahoo News, thanks. These are the times we're glad there is no photo. Whew.

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