Friday, September 19, 2008

Hooking up with UPS

The Problem With Big Packages

Let's admit it, girls. UPS was a match made in heaven right from the start. You've got a man in a uniform bearing gifts at your doorstep. What more could a girl want?! Never mind you paid for those gifts; having a devilishly handsome UPS man handing them to you makes even the biggest Visa bill worth it. Order from Victoria's Secret and have him hand it to you and you can bridge the 'no boyfriend for 6 months' gap for at least another 2 years.

Unfortunately, you can't really transition to hooking up with the UPS man at your door holding your Victoria's Secret package all that easily. You've got him standing there with this big package holding your bras and panties and it's all you can think about while you sign his clipboard. There isn't much room for conversation because, frankly, you've lost your ability to form words. It's good to be blonde during these times - you can get away with just a half wanton smile. He's working and other than to show you where to sign, he can't really comment about the big package either, but the fantasy is nice.

However, I discovered that UPS men actually exist in the personal ads. There he was in all his brown uniformed glory - the UPS man. He was handsome, available and he had written to me! All I could think about were all those big packages. You know, the ones in his truck. What were you thinking?

I replied and we decided to just talk on the phone. The conversation flowed like a broken conveyor belt at the main facility.

Me: "Hi, thanks for calling. I see you're the UPS man! Way cool!"

UPS: "I just deliver packages."

Me: "Yes! Yes! I love UPS." (I'm thinking - I love packages and you're really hot!)

UPS: "You're really cute. What do you do?"

Me: "Thanks. I run a global non-profit, I write and I'm an artisan pastry chef. Call me eclectic."

UPS: "Ek - what? OH. You probably live on the East side of town."

Me: "Yes, I do."

UPS: "You probably have a nice house."

Me: "Yes, I do have a nice house. Condo, actually. Where are you from?"

UPS: "Not the East side."

Me: "Well, that's OK. What do you like to do for fun? Do you like to go dancing?"

UPS: "You probably order a lot of stuff from Victoria's Secret."

Me: "Umm - yeah - I order sometimes..."

UPS: "I deliver a lot of Victoria's Secret to the ladies on the East side."

Me: "Oh, well, you know, they're very popular..."

UPS: "There's this one girl, she orders every week. I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to deliver her package. She always answers the door wearing her bra and panties."

Me: "Uhh - well - umm - maybe she's getting ready for work. (okay, seriously: help)

UPS: "Yeah. So, what do you do for work, again?"

Me: "I do charity work with women. I help them through surgery. I also write and bake professionally"

UPS: "Well I just deliver packages."

Me: "Well, I think UPS is cool. It's a very good job. I would work there. So, tell me about you. You're a really handsome guy. What do you like to do? What kind of dates do you like to go on?" (I'm thinking - I get it about your work. I'm familiar with UPS. I'd like to get to know you more. I'm normally not like this but you're really hot so can we just move this along?)

UPS: "You know, I'm just the UPS guy. You're some celebrity charity pastry chef and it's just not going to work."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not a celebrity charity pastry chef. That's not even a job title. I'm just a regular girl. (incredulous)

UPS: "I just deliver packages. You buy sexy lingerie, do all these things and help all these people and you intimidate me. It's just not going to work.


He hung up?! I intimidated the UPS man?! My 5'2" self and my package of bras and panties and chocolate chip cookies intimidated the UPS man. How can this be?!

Some things are just too screwed up to understand.

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