Sheep. Not just for counting anymore.

Weird ad of the week:

Looking for my sheep

I bought a Serta Mattress....where are you? I have waited and waited for u. Im excited that u may be coming...but u may never come. I called the hotline for u, but i hung up after laughing too hard. please show me your grill when you get here. dont run away like a little fairy. your ears are cute. your eyes r big. your butt is hairy and we love it. Come play with us soon.



Have I missed a meeting? Is there a new designation I'm not aware of? You know, like M4W (men for women) and MW4W (a couple seeking a woman) and now MW4S? (a couple seeking sheep?!) and does anyone else have a hard time keeping up with these terms? I thought I'd never figure out what GFE meant (girl friend experience) and now I have to think about sheep?

Hooking up with UPS

The Problem With Big Packages

Let's admit it, girls. UPS was a match made in heaven right from the start. You've got a man in a uniform bearing gifts at your doorstep. What more could a girl want?! Never mind you paid for those gifts; having a devilishly handsome UPS man handing them to you makes even the biggest Visa bill worth it. Order from Victoria's Secret and have him hand it to you and you can bridge the 'no boyfriend for 6 months' gap for at least another 2 years.

Unfortunately, you can't really transition to hooking up with the UPS man at your door holding your Victoria's Secret package all that easily. You've got him standing there with this big package holding your bras and panties and it's all you can think about while you sign his clipboard. There isn't much room for conversation because, frankly, you've lost your ability to form words. It's good to be blonde during these times - you can get away with just a half wanton smile. He's working and other than to show you where to sign, he can't really comment about the big package either, but the fantasy is nice.

However, I discovered that UPS men actually exist in the personal ads. There he was in all his brown uniformed glory - the UPS man. He was handsome, available and he had written to me! All I could think about were all those big packages. You know, the ones in his truck. What were you thinking?

I replied and we decided to just talk on the phone. The conversation flowed like a broken conveyor belt at the main facility.

Me: "Hi, thanks for calling. I see you're the UPS man! Way cool!"

UPS: "I just deliver packages."

Me: "Yes! Yes! I love UPS." (I'm thinking - I love packages and you're really hot!)

UPS: "You're really cute. What do you do?"

Me: "Thanks. I run a global non-profit, I write and I'm an artisan pastry chef. Call me eclectic."

UPS: "Ek - what? OH. You probably live on the East side of town."

Me: "Yes, I do."

UPS: "You probably have a nice house."

Me: "Yes, I do have a nice house. Condo, actually. Where are you from?"

UPS: "Not the East side."

Me: "Well, that's OK. What do you like to do for fun? Do you like to go dancing?"

UPS: "You probably order a lot of stuff from Victoria's Secret."

Me: "Umm - yeah - I order sometimes..."

UPS: "I deliver a lot of Victoria's Secret to the ladies on the East side."

Me: "Oh, well, you know, they're very popular..."

UPS: "There's this one girl, she orders every week. I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to deliver her package. She always answers the door wearing her bra and panties."

Me: "Uhh - well - umm - maybe she's getting ready for work. (okay, seriously: help)

UPS: "Yeah. So, what do you do for work, again?"

Me: "I do charity work with women. I help them through surgery. I also write and bake professionally"

UPS: "Well I just deliver packages."

Me: "Well, I think UPS is cool. It's a very good job. I would work there. So, tell me about you. You're a really handsome guy. What do you like to do? What kind of dates do you like to go on?" (I'm thinking - I get it about your work. I'm familiar with UPS. I'd like to get to know you more. I'm normally not like this but you're really hot so can we just move this along?)

UPS: "You know, I'm just the UPS guy. You're some celebrity charity pastry chef and it's just not going to work."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm not a celebrity charity pastry chef. That's not even a job title. I'm just a regular girl. (incredulous)

UPS: "I just deliver packages. You buy sexy lingerie, do all these things and help all these people and you intimidate me. It's just not going to work.

*click*

He hung up?! I intimidated the UPS man?! My 5'2" self and my package of bras and panties and chocolate chip cookies intimidated the UPS man. How can this be?!

Some things are just too screwed up to understand.

Profile of the Month: When in Rome

Caesar has visited De-Nile.

Always up for an impossible challenge, my mission for 07 September 2008 A.D. is to find this man a woman.

All typos and spell check freak outs remain for your reading pleasure.

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Dante seeks his Beatrice, anon!

My favorite place on Earth is the 5eme Arrondissment, Rue de la Harpe, Paris, on a warm, balmy, September evening. Am also comfortable though, in the outdoors, or sleeping under the stars. Have been in the military reserve since I was 17. I can disassemble an assault rifle or translate Moliere. I also get great satisfaction in praying the Rosary. My ideal match would be a Blonde, Swiss, girl, who could double for Princess Grace, that stands about 5 feet seven inches, speaks, Italien, French and German, loves ancient history and the Classics, loves going to Mass, but is completely uninhibited in her intellectual pursuits. Tallyho!

For fun:

Am in a Roman History reenactment group. We have very accurate 1rst-2nd century infantry armor. Our group has appeared on the history channel. We hold demonstrations of Roman fighting tactics against like-minded Celtic groups. Our weapons are real.

Favorite hot spots:

Love to dwell in the classics section of Borders and lose myself as I imagine a warm summer day in the Roman Forum during the height of the Empire in 107 Anno Domine.

Favorite things:

My favorite thing is to cook some magnificent spaghetti on a Friday night and watch my Science Fiction shows on channel 71.

Last read:

"Lost Victories" by Eric Von Manstein.

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Now, you may find this very hard to believe, but at the ripe old age of 50 something, this man has never been married.

I. AM. SHOCKED.

Let's cut to the chase. If you know of any sophisticated multi-lingual, 5'7" Blonde Swiss 'Princess Grace' type girls who yearn to spend their Friday nights having magnificent spaghetti while watching channel 71 screen burn, enjoy men frequently dressed in sexy Gladiator costumes, and are a freak otherwise outside these parameters (Toga parties?), let me know.

Anything to get this profile off the Internet, out of my spell check hell and into a closet somewhere.

Honestly, I would have pegged him for a Cleopatra/Aphrodite type. What do I know, but Princess Grace??? OH PLEASE! I will land Prince Albert himself as my husband before this happens!

Note: I just read on Wikipedia that 'a female wearing a toga was marked out as a prostitute'. OH. My bad. How many of you knew that? I obviously don't watch as many frat house movies as I should.

Where's Waldo?

In online dating and even in the news, I find it increasingly exasperating when there is no accompanying photo. Has that little, 'worth a thousand words' ditty been completely lost?

It's even worse when you've got a headless horseman winking at you. I think this is one of my biggest pet peeves - men with no photos. Did you want me to wink back, and at what, your fonts? Is it completely lost on people that the idea of winking at someone involves some fashion of connection with the visual senses we call eyes? Is it really such a big stretch to realize that it's pointless to wink at someone who can't see you?

Beyond comprehension are those who wink but have no profile. Nope, it's hidden. You can't see a thing. You only see a fairly blank page that states kaw1600vulcan has winked at you. Wow, now that's HOT! *rolleyes*

Dude, let me just state for the record: You're a moron.

I sent him a friendly reminder:

Look, don't wink at someone and have your freakin' profile hidden. What the hell are we supposed to wink at, a blank page? God that's so annoying. Why even bother? I'm blocking you - don't contact me. Or anyone else for that matter.

Then you get the guys who do post a photo, but unfortunately, it's anyone's guess who you're dealing with as it depicts 4 guys. While I'm fairly open, I'm not sure I'm ready to take on 4 guys. Particularly the 2nd one on the right. Can I get the 2nd one from the left and the far one on the right and can I get a better view of the first one of the left?

OH. I only get ONE? Man, how unfair is that? What happened to truth in advertising? Great, I'll pick the one 2nd from the left then 'cause he's hot. OH THAT'S NOT YOU? Sorry. My bad. Wait, no, your bad. And let me guess, you're the 2nd one on the right. Stop posting stupid photos! I won't even get into the photos of things like chandeliers (and they're not even in the bedroom) and wide expanses of scenic fodder that mean nothing to me. Great, you went on vacation. Without me.

My all time favorite profile photos, however, are the typical 'football field shots'. By this, I mean the guy is so far away, he could be David Beckham for all I know. But, wait, he's married. It can't possibly be him. Damn it all anyway. Maybe it's Adam Levine. He's single, but then again, I'm not that lucky, which is not to say I'm without hope entirely.


As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words and here is a classic "Where's Waldo" shot, which is another popular photo choice many men make. While this one renders me speechless, it fortunately affords me quite a few other choices, which I've taken the painstaking time to illustrate, since surely it's not the guy in the orange shorts picking his nose, right? Right???



In other news, literally, a Malaysian man somehow got a metal nut stuck on his, ummm, manhood, in an effort to lengthen his, umm, you know, before his wedding night. Sadly, it all went horribly wrong and he had to have it surgically removed. The nut, not the, umm, you know and no, not his nuts, the metal nut he threaded over his, umm, oh my.

I'd suspect the honeymoon is going to be even more disappointing to his bride than was originally expected, and I'm sure his new in laws were pleased as punch to learn their daughter is marrying a man who isn't too well endowed upstairs or down. Embarrassing all around.

AFP and Yahoo News, thanks. These are the times we're glad there is no photo. Whew.

World's Shortest Profiles

newly retired,,looking for a friend
i love women that like multiple men,,,i want to find a female like that

Multiple men? A female like what? Do I want to know?

Looking
Im just on here looking for a woman who wants to experience pleasure...Also, I am not a member, so figure things out and contact me where I can read it. But I would love to talk to someone soon!

No, YOU figure things out. Namely, find a dime and pay for a subscription like the rest of us.

Just Looking for now
I don't have the time to date. So I thought I would give this a try.

How perfect. Another man who doesn't have any time for me. That's HOT!

im new
im tall,skinny, and easy to get along with

Oh! Oh! I got it! You're a Cookies and Cream Popsicle.

Easy going love to have fun whom ever i am.

When you figure out 'whom ever you are', let me know.

Hello
Let's talk about it

Great. Here's my sentence. Your turn.

hi loooking for fun
i have long black hair and lots of tatoos

It sounds like you've already had way too much fun. Next!

friends with benefits
friends with benefits

I'm sensing a trend here...Haiku, maybe?

hansom man
i like sports and girls

Let me guess, you're unique.

Fill this in.
Need to fill this in

Let's not and say we did, alright?